This Guy Got Divorced And Said This About His Ex-Wife... And I
Agree With Him.
Gerald Rogers got divorced after 16 years of marriage.
Recently he wrote a eye-opening public confession on his blog... After I saw it,
I'm totally with him. He writes:
''MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE
HAD:
Obviously, I'm not a relationship expert. But there's something
about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I
wish I would have done different... After losing a woman that I loved, and a
marriage of almost 16 years, here's the advice I wish I would have
had...
1) Never stop courting.
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that
woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man
that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important
and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget
that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART.
Just
as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own
with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there
is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife.
Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let
anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and
OVER again.
You will constantly change. You're not the same people you were
when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are
today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don't take care of her heart, she
may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may
never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when
you were courting her.
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.
Focus only on
what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all
you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can't
help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see
anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on
earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5) IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE
OR FIX HER...
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her
ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it's what you
wanted or not.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions:
It's
not your wife's job to make you happy, and she CAN'T make you sad. You are
responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill
over into your relationship and your love.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If
YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering
something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When
you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and
understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were
attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of
your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them...
When you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will
wonder why you ever were.
8) Allow your woman to JUST BE.
When she's
sad or upset, it's not your job to fix it, it's your job to HOLD HER and let her
know it's ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she's important and that
you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about
change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as
you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you...
DON'T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE'S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you
aren't going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and
emotion.
9) BE SILLY...
Don't take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh.
And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10) FILL HER
SOUL EVERYDAY...
Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she
feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10
THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority
everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11) BE PRESENT.
Give her not
only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it
takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER.
Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12) BE WILLING
TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY...
To carry her away in the power of your masculine
presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her
to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as
she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON'T BE AN IDIOT...
And don't
be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not
to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You're not
supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER
SPACE...
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will
need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to
fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her
that space she will come back with new songs to sing... (okay, getting a little
too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself,
ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get
re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids
and the world.)
15) BE VULNERABLE...
You don't have to have it all
together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge
your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT.
If you want to have trust you
must be willing to share EVERYTHING... Especially those things you don't want to
share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in
when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is
allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP
THE MASK... If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up
perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love
can be.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER...
The stagnant pond breeds
malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural
process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on
your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work
towards.
18) DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
Money is a game, find ways to
work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure
out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE
IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past.
Don't let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either
you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you
back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose
love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE
LOVE.
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding
principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will
threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the
end MARRIAGE isn't about Happily ever after. It's about work. And a commitment
to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something
that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will
come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of
the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the
strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are
lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But
these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I
LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I
will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of
time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those
those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples
you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I
was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and
he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that
told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to
step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn't what you want it
to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where
your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is
time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is
no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from
you.
Be the type of husband your wife can't help but brag
about.''
If you're inspired by Gerald's words, please share this with a
friend today.
